How people-pleasing negatively impacts your overall well-being
Being kind, generous and thoughtful, are commendable qualities, right?
You feel like a good person. You’re nice to everyone; you are agreeable and you’re helpful.
You keep the peace so there’s never any arguments or conflict.
And I bet you get a lot of praise and appreciation, even if some people do seem to take what you do for them for granted.
Nevertheless, there is a downside to being a people-pleaser!
Unfortunately, people pleasing is very damaging to your well-being, your self-worth and even your relationships.
In the first instance, people pleasing can have an adverse affect your physical health
As a chronic people pleaser, you are likely to neglect your self-care because you are so busy taking care of others, your needs often come last, and this is often the first thing to go when you get super busy doing all the things for others.
So, because you are not taking care of your wellbeing, you end up run down, grabbing snacks on the go, which are often not healthy choices, leaving you feeling like you are running on empty. Without proper fuel, rest and time to recharge – you run the risk of burnout.
Habitual people pleasing can also affect your mental wellness
As a people pleaser you constantly worry about what others think about you. The fear of rejection is always in the back of your mind, which makes it hard for you to relax. This leads to chronic stress and anxiety. Keeping you awake at night worrying about the happiness of others and all the things still to do on your to-do list. And we all know that a lack of sleep impedes your ability to think clearly and make reasonable decisions.
Then there’s the impact it can have on your emotional well-being, in particular your self-worth and self-esteem.
Your worth is tied to pleasing others. As a people pleaser you lose touch with your own emotions and desires and instead look to others to learn how you should feel about yourself. You let others dictate whether you feel worthy or not by constantly seeking their approval. So, when someone pays you a compliment, you feel good and when they criticise you it may take a long time to get over it.
Because you outsource your emotional wellbeing to others you lack the ability to trust that you are good enough and deserving of respect just the way you are
If your go to habit is to please others first, it’s likely you feel that you have to be perfect in every situation. With the belief that only when you are perfect do you deserve the love and approval you crave from others. So, you try to control what everyone else thinks about you, which is, obviously, impossible, but by doing what they want, saying what they want to hear and making sure that they don’t feel uncomfortable ultimately you are trying to control all aspects of the situation.
By taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings, you end up being hard on yourself when they are upset or disappointed, like you have somehow let them down.
Another consequence of being kind, giving and always available is that you attract people who can’t wait to take advantage of you…
They will cash in on your inability to say no, your lack of boundaries and your generosity with time and resources. They constantly ask for your help and because you find it difficult to say no you will spend a lot of your time doing them ‘favours’. Some people keep pushing until they get what they want. If you don’t have boundaries, it’s a lot easier for people to push you where you don’t really want to go.
Which leads to another negative side-effect … Unhealthy relationships!
As a people pleaser you tend avoid conflict and not speak up about what’s bothering you, so instead you put up with bad behaviour or even abuse and without objection or pulling them up and this leads to unresolved issues. Your relationships are often one sided, you always giving, them always taking. You lose yourself, your voice, your identity – you lose sight of your own values, goals and personality.
Because you never stand up for what you believe or express your desires you lack authenticity, and this gives others a false idea of who you really are.
And the biggest cost of all … Is the impact it has on others
When you repeatedly do things for others, they learn that they don’t need to do it themselves, they start to rely on you, they let you do the work, they eventually expect you to do it automatically.
Ultimately, they step aside and give you the green light. This is selfish and disempowering, you are taking away the opportunity for them to learn new skills, take responsibility for their own actions and basically help themselves.
So, on the surface, being a people pleaser sounds like a good thing, but as you can see there is a downside to being a people-pleaser, it can have a damaging effect on your physical, mental, emotional, and social wellbeing.
I’m curious to know people pleasing is impacting you? Do any of the downsides I mention resonate? Or are you experiencing some other effects?
Come join the conversation in my private Facebook Group the Good Girl Rebellion and let me know your thoughts.
I hope I’ve given you something to think about …
And if you’re sick & tired of being a people pleaser and you want to talk about it, please get in touch.
Message me on my socials:
Or send me an email at creatingcalmesp@bigpond.com
