Sadly, for many women … people-pleasing generally goes beyond simple kindness.
According to the Cambridge Dictionary:
“A people pleaser is someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them, and always wants others to approve of their actions.”
Cambridge Dictionary
A people pleaser is typically someone everyone considers helpful and kind.
When you need someone to help you get a task done, they’re more than willing to step up.
People-pleasing doesn’t sound that bad at all.
In fact, what’s wrong with being nice to people and trying to help them out or make them happy?
Sadly, for many women … people-pleasing generally goes beyond simple kindness.
At some point people pleasers decide that everyone else’s needs are more important than their own. They put themselves on the bottom of their to-do-list, and then end up feeling resentful, overwhelmed and stressed out.
People pleasing involves changing your words and behaviours in order to control the reactions or feelings of the other person.
- You go out of your way to do things for others, based on what you think they want or need.
- You give up your time and energy to get them to like you.
- You bite your tongue in order to keep the peace.
- You avoid conflict to in order to protect them from feeling uncomfortable.
- You apologise for things that are clearly not your fault.
This is how people-pleasing can create problems.
The need to please others can be destructive to our self-worth and, potentially, to our relationships with others, especially when we allow the priorities of others to have more importance than our own needs.
So, what are the signs to look out for if you are concerned you might be a people pleaser?
- You need others to like you – yourself worth centres on the approval of others.
- It’s hard for you to say no – it feels like you are letting people down, making them think you don’t care about them.
- You apologise or accept fault when you aren’t to blame – taking the blame for others is another form of vying for their approval.
- You’re quick to agree, even when you don’t really agree – to win approval, if I agree, they won’t reject me.
- You struggle with authenticity – because you are so busy second guessing how everyone else feels you have no concept of how you feel. You’ve lost your voice & ability to speak up for yourself. You don’t share how you really feel because you don’t want to make others uncomfortable.
- You’re a giver – sacrificing self for the sake of others. Their needs are more important that yours.
- You are so busy doing everything for everyone else – there’s no time left for you.
- Conflict & arguments upset you – you feel bad because you can’t keep them happy, so conflict means you have failed in some way.
The bottom line
People-pleasing might sound like it’s a nice thing to do, but it doesn’t do you or your loved ones any favours.
If you feel exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy, it’s time to consider how you can make yourself happy first.
Luckily people pleasing habit can be reversed with awareness, practice and the right support. Stay tuned for more tips, tools and strategies to overcome people pleasing in the coming weeks.
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I hope this has given you something to think about …
I’m curious to know if identify as a people pleaser.
If you do …
How long have you known and what impact are people pleasing habits having on your life and your relationships?
Come join the conversation in my private Facebook Group the Good Girl Rebellion and let me know your thoughts.
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